And if I didn’t quite get my point across, I was complimenting you on your characters, even Brian. Maybe especially Brian. I wrote, “Who does that?” But that didn’t mean he wasn’t a well-conceived character. That just meant that his behavior in that situation differed from what my own would have been … which is fine. To me, that surprises the reader. It’s good to surprise the reader. If a story is predictable to the point that the reader is not surprised, then the reader will eventually drop out. So stick with your direction … it’s a good one!

I continue to like how realistic these people are. They are mostly nice.

In reality there are all sorts of people with their own motivations and personalities, and I am aware that it may seem that (so far?) Melanie has been lucky with the people near her. That said, I’ve so far tried to weave personalities for the main characters of the story, though much of it can only be seen indirectly through their actions from the viewpoint of Melanie.

There have been a few places where (based on the wording alone) I did not know who the ‘she’ or the ‘her’ was referring to.

As the writer, I guess it’s more difficult to gauge when a bit more clarification is needed. Like you say, I try to avoid overuse of proper names, but I’ll try to keep it in mind. These instances are really difficult to find though.

skill as a writer is improving quickly

*blush*

worst cliffhanger

Really? I need to try harder then 😀
Seriously though, I thought the one with the middle-aged man in the park was worse. I think for you it wasn’t as bad, since you didn’t have to wait a week after that one 😉

Still watching for those thigh highs, lol! 

But seriously, I’m all caught up! I thought it might take me longer, but once I was reading, I wanted to keep reading. 

I’m having a little trouble figuring out this Brian guy, but don’t take that wrong. It’s good to have characters that don’t behave quite as a reader might expect. I mean, he gives himself away as a fan of enf (by mentioning the website), but then he keeps warning Melanie as if he doesn’t want her to turn into his dream girl. It almost seems as if Josy is going to be pushing, and Brian is going to be pulling. But that could be fun. 

I have to imagine there is quite a bit of fun ahead, the way you keep working on your cast of characters, making them more complex and thus more interesting. That bodes well for my enjoyment of your story. I continue to like how realistic these people are. They are mostly nice. Josy is only pushing because that is what Mel has indicated she wants. 

There have been a few places where (based on the wording alone) I did not know who the ‘she’ or the ‘her’ was referring to. Here’s one example: “Josy pulled the front of her skirt up…” Now, one assumes ‘her’ refers to Melanie, but it’s unclear. Josy too could be wearing a skirt. Another example: “She raised her hands to her breasts while Josy started lifting her skirt again…” So, we know Josy is lifting a skirt, presumably Melanie’s, but there are two girls here, lots of hands, lots of breasts. I can figure it out, but in my opinion, you don’t want to make a reader pause to back up a few sentences to try and figure such things out. In this case, I’d write, “Following Josy’s instructions, Melanie lifted her hands to her breasts…” In my opinion, that ties it together nicely and there is no pause while the reader wonders if Melanie might be touching Josy’s breasts or vice versa. I’m mentioning this here, because in a number of chapters there have been instances when a ‘she’ or a ‘her’ probably should have been one of the girls’ names to be clear. I’m not advocating the overuse of proper names … that bugs me too. Some writers do that. I’m mentioning it because you have so much natural talent when it comes to weaving an enjoyable narrative AND because I am noticing that your skill as a writer is improving quickly. It’s obvious that you are putting real effort into the craft. I applaud that.

Your friend, Blair (who is now chomping at the bit for Chapter 12) 

PS: Next up, online shopping … worst cliffhanger of the series!  (so far)  lol!

Thank you, glad you like the story so far and thanks for sharing your thoughts on it 🙂

Oh right… ‘addressing Josy’ would have worked. I like that you are trying to avoid repeating nearby words. I’m trying to catch those in my writing as well.

Apologies, somehow I misread that about Brian and the skirt. What you wrote was perfectly fine. It was fun how Josy caught on to Melanie playing with her skirt and got inspired to lift it, sensing that she might actually enjoy it at this point. Likewise, later Melanie not realizing that Josy understands her so well as she doesn’t admit that she enjoyed it.

Love the comments, thank you! It’s always nice to read your thoughts on the story.

It appears that Brian doesn’t believe the “masturbating” stuff, but Melanie still worries that he might, of course.

I agree that “addressing at Josy” feels odd. It should be “addressing Josy”, but I have changed it to “looking at Josy” for now, as it is rather formal language, and I used “address the issue” just a few rows above.

It was Josy who was sitting on the same side of the table and noticed, while Brian was sitting on the other side. Brian did not give any indication that he knew, right?

I feel a romance brewing. And it seems like they are compatible!

I like how things tend to escalate in an organic manner. Josy is a real pusher… haha. Also, she tends to say the worst (best) things at the worst (best) times. She’s more antagonist than your typical bully or enemy, but she’s instead a trusted friend. I love that balance you have with that there. It’s a brilliant combo with her and Melanie. 

I’m glad that Brian didn’t believe the masturbating stuff. The escalations are fast and furious, but you know when to pull back. Well done. Her worry is also top-notch.  

I like the dialog and varied paragraph sizes. Things are broken up very well.  

“I’m not the bad guy here,” Brian objected, addressing at Josy.

“addressing at Josy” feels a bit odd. I know what it means. In this case, I usually overuse ‘looking’ or ‘glancing’ so I can’t be a great help. My suggestions aren’t great. We need a more experienced writer to weigh in on this one. 

Maybe could have shown a little better, how Brian could know that she was playing with her skirt under the table. I mean, how could he know? Or were they sitting on the same side of the table?  

Josy is a real troublemaker with always flashing her butt… I like it.   

I particularly like when Josy asks Melanie what she was thinking after something happens. Even that form of ENF is delicious.  

Thanks, Cave. I’m really enjoying this and I hope the story never ends.