It was a strong scene but weakened a bit by how much he didn’t want to talk to Melanie.

Have you ever felt that you both wanted to talk to someone and not talk with them at the same time? You want to get away, but are inwardly thankful for being locked in a room with them.

LOL!

Go for it! I, in turn, had it suggested to me by a reader ~~~ to enhance readability.

Blair

hah… okay. I was using just an extra empty space, but I liked yours (Blairs) better.

Actually, I am borrowing them from Blair. He suggested I use section breaks, with ~~~ as example. I’m sure it is fine, as long as we return them to him after use.

Hi Blair,

Don’t we all do that at times? Rehearse in advance only to feel unprepared (and make mistakes) once the moment actually arrives.

Yes, some things you can rehearse as much as you want, and when the moment comes, mind goes blank.

I like reading the bit by bit reactions and I like how the characters still surprise you sometimes.

To me, that is actually funny. If I had a woman showing me her body, I don’t think it would occur to me that she was doing it to tease me. Yes, this Brian does seem to be very insecure.

Yes, but he doesn’t know what we as readers (and me as writer) know. To him it all seems like odd behavior and signals. Still, he is not a typical guy, as you observed.

Thank you for the comment!

I find myself enjoying your story, both as a reader AND as a writer. It’s is a fun story, but it is also so very well-written. This sentence: 

“…so she could have rehearsed what she wanted to say, even though she had done exactly that multiple times the past few days.” 

I find it insightful. Don’t we all do that at times? Rehearse in advance only to feel unprepared (and make mistakes) once the moment actually arrives. 
–

And I enjoyed how Melanie suddenly finds her backbone. Good on you, Melanie! These sentences:  

“…I’m sorry for my behavior … but you’re an asshole. You’re making me out to be the worst kind of person and it’s insulting.”

 “…Are you going to apologize?” 

So she apologizes, but then criticizes. She follows up by expecting Brian to apologize. Nice! 
–

And then it is interesting that Brian turns out to be so very insecure – mistaken about what is going on due to his own issues. He thinks that Melanie’s enjoyment of showing herself is all about him (wimp!). This sentence: 

“What you did Saturday… was that planned? To mess with me?” 

To me, that is actually funny. If I had a woman showing me her body, I don’t think it would occur to me that she was doing it to tease me. Yes, this Brian does seem to be very insecure. 
–

And then here is a second example of just how well our author understands human emotions (the first being the point about rehearsing). This sentence: 

“… she had a strong desire to either go in for a hug or slap him in the face.” 

Such a nice way to ‘show’ Melanie’s conflicted emotions. Many of us would simply write, “Melanie felt conflicted, blah, blah, blah.” This sentence is world’s beyond that. I do admire your craft!  Wonderful dialogue!

Thanks,

Blair

“What you did Saturday… was that planned? To mess with me?”
–
“No, absolutely not,” she answered, unwavering.
–
Brian looked her straight in the eyes, and she held fast.

I liked these short and direct moments, among others.

Exposition through dialogue 🙂

Yes, it was fun to write, though took a while and in the end became a lot longer than I expected.

Thank you, I corrected the typo.

typo… [She rolled his eyes at him]