Josy stood there in Melanie’s room, looking expectantly at Melanie, who knew she was waiting for an explanation for why she’d run half naked through her garden just a few minutes ago.
“Ah…what do you mean?” Melanie asked, hoping against hope that she didn’t have to talk about it. She was feeling lightheaded. What did Josy see exactly?
“Well, there I was just looking out my window and thought I saw movement in your garden. A moment later, I saw you run to your backdoor, dressed…” Josy was silent a moment.
“…or rather barely dressed, I should say.” She giggled.
Melanie didn’t know what to say. Why was the room spinning? She sat down on her bed.
“What were you doing?” Josy asked.
“I don’t…”
“Why were you naked?”
With these few blunt words, the world fell away beneath Melanie’s feet. Josy saw her, even if it was from a distance, she saw everything.
She turned away from Josy. She’d messed up so badly, how could she fix this? Could she try to deny it? Her heart was pounding in her chest.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a strangled voice.
“Sorry? What do you mean?”
“Sorry you saw me like that.” Melanie fought to keep the tears at bay. How could she face her friend now? If only she hadn’t panicked from that stupid cat. If only she hadn’t taken it so far.
“Melanie…” Josy’s tone was soft, kind. Not at all the laughter or ridicule Melanie was expecting.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and she initially recoiled at the touch. The hand stayed on her shoulder and it sent warmth through her body. This simple but gentle touch comforted her, calmed her fears.
“It’s ok, you don’t have to be sorry about that. When I saw you just now, I guess you were spooked by something, but the way you skipped through the garden with your hair dancing around your shoulders looked almost magical, like you were enjoying it.”
Josy was silent for a moment, then moved closer and put her arm around Melanie’s shoulder. She melted into the embrace, feeling acceptance in this touch, and desperately wanted to move in for a hug.
“I’m not judging, just curious about what’s going on.”
Melanie turned around to look at her friend. She’d been afraid of being outed to the world. The words that came to her ears were kind words, however.
Though they were friends, they had never been that close, mostly friends of convenience.
Yet perhaps Josy could be someone she could trust, open up to even in this deeply personal matter. Perhaps it wouldn’t be the end of the world to talk with her about it. Would she keep it between them?
Melanie opened her mouth a few times, but no words came out. How could she begin to explain?
They heard the front door being opened, then closed again. Melanie’s mom was home.
“Perhaps we can talk about it later. We need some place we can talk about this in private.” Josy said.
Melanie was unsure she wanted to talk about it at all but nodded. “We’re ok, right? Please don’t tell my parents.”
“Of course, don’t worry. We’ll keep it between us, but I think it’ll be good to talk about it,” Josy smiled at her.
“Okay,” Melanie nodded.
With that they went downstairs to greet her mother and after a gesture from Josy, she followed her out the front door.
“I think I know a good place to talk,” Josy said once they were outside. “Do you know the park road that runs along the houses near the highway?”
Melanie tried to remember the spot. She didn’t pass by there often.
“Yes, but there’s always people going through there. Not exactly a place to talk in private.”
“I know, but there’s a little footbridge where you can cross the stream, just before it joins the river. On the other side is a small area of grass and small bushes surrounded by the streams. The bridge is the only way to get there, so there’s no traffic passing through,” Josy explained.
It sounded like a good place to talk to Melanie. “When? Tomorrow evening?”
“Saturday morning is better, leaving at 10? Don’t worry Mel, I promise it’s okay,” Josy said, moving in for a hug which Melanie gladly accepted. Hugging so tightly let the emotions wash over her and the dam burst as she felt tears forming in her eyes. After they broke off their hug, she quickly went back inside, hoping Josy hadn’t noticed.
After briefly greeting her mom from the other room, she hurried up to her room.
That evening, Melanie kept going through the day’s events. Josy had seemed so genuine, but in school she was the perennial social butterfly, always talking to everyone about everything.
Would it be better to tell Josy the truth, or make something up? Try as she might, Melanie couldn’t think of a convincing reason for running through her backyard half naked.
Saturday morning, that meant Melanie had one more day to figure it out. One whole day of worrying. No, she decided that day, she’d face whatever was coming her way head on.
That night, it took a long time to finally fall asleep.
Friday came and went. The world hadn’t ended, so whatever happened Melanie would deal with it. Working and socializing with fellow students and talking about ordinary things helped Melanie regain some semblance of normalcy.
Saturday morning, Melanie woke early. The thought of canceling with Josy popped into her mind several times. She still didn’t know how she could begin to explain and whether Josy might understand. Melanie dressed in faded jeans and a long sleeve shirt. She wasn’t in the mood for shorts or a skirt. Besides, it was cloudy and not very warm this morning. These clothes were comfort food for her mind.
Deciding that canceling would merely delay the inevitable, it wasn’t long before it was near 10 am and she got a text from Josy telling her she was outside.
On their way to the park, they kept the conversation light, talking about the week, plans for the weekend, etc.
Josy seemed casual, while Melanie was anything but. She went from thinking about how to explain to making excuses. Josy should mind her own business what she does in her own backyard, she thought.
“It’s over here,” Josy said.
They crossed the stream into the closed off area. There were some grassy spots, as well as some bushy areas. All in all, it was relatively open. As Josy had explained, it was surrounded by the small streams that split before and joined with the river after the little outcrop. It would be a nice place for a picnic, weren’t it for the noise of the highway on the other side of the barrier on the far side.
There were no benches to sit on, Melanie noticed, but Josy took a cloth out of her bag, spread it out on the grass. Convenient.
“Let’s sit.”
From here, the view to the path was mostly obscured by nearby plants. They sat down. Melanie fidgeted, unsure where to begin.
“So, how long have you been doing this naked outdoors thing?” Josy asked in her typical no filter style.
Melanie turned towards Josy. “What? I don’t go traipsing around naked in the outdoors all the time, if that’s what you mean.” Melanie was indignant.
“But you were, Thursday.” Josy looked and sounded genuinely curious this time.
Melanie turned away again; shoulders slumped. “Yes, but…that was an accident,” she said lamely.
“Uhm, you’ll have to explain that one, ’cause it doesn’t make sense to me. Accident how?”
Melanie stayed silent for a while. What can she say? Josy watched her sitting there.
“This isn’t easy to talk about,” Melanie finally said. Her thoughts were a frustrating mess. Every time she grasped at a thought to put it into words, it slipped out of reach.
“Then how about I ask some questions instead.”
Melanie perked up at that suggestion. That might work.
“Okay.”
“Are you a pervert, Melanie?”
She jumped up to her feet, staring down at Josy. “Josy! What the hell!”
Josy burst into laughter, while Melanie stood there in shock. However, soon Melanie was laughing along and sat down again.
“But seriously, Mel, try to relax a little.” Josy said, still in humorous mood.
“I’m not a pervert,” Melanie said forcefully. She had to admit that Josy’s crude sense of humor made her relax a little.
“But you enjoy showing a little skin?” Josy asked in a neutral tone.
Still expecting a ribbing, Melanie sat up a little straighter, intent to defend herself.
“Showing skin? As in putting myself on display for others? No, I don’t think so.” She kept a calm tone, then after figuring out how to explain it her tone softened. “I enjoy feeling the sun on my skin…”
Melanie hesitated before saying the next few words, raising her knees and putting her arms around them.
“It’s like a craving,” Melanie said and then quickly turned her face away. She immediately regretted saying it.
Josy looked pensive and was quiet for a little while. Melanie wondered what Josy was thinking. Her own thoughts went back to the previous week when Josy had seen in a similar outfit. She had come from her backyard then as well and Josy had remarked on her obvious lack of a bra.
They’d gone into the backyard again, where Josy had seen her dad working on their hedge. Did Josy suspect that her dad had seen Melanie there?
“I see.”
What does that mean, Melanie wondered? Josy had a strange look in her eyes, seemingly appraising her.
They sat in silence for a while, perhaps both lost in thought.
“Shall we go back soon? It’s getting a bit warm,” Melanie said. The sun had broken through the clouds and it was steadily getting warmer.
“I’d like to stay a bit longer, if you don’t mind.” Josy, who was wearing shorts, looked Melanie over. “You know, if you’re getting too warm…” She trailed off.
“What?” Melanie prompted her to continue.
“…you could shed some cover.”
It took a moment for Melanie before she understood the import of those words. “Here? Now?” she turned red at the thought.
She looked around at their relatively hidden location. If she were here by herself, she might think of removing some of her clothes. In front of Josy was a different matter. Talking about it with her was bad enough. Maybe she could come back here by herself another time. It was more secluded than her backyard, despite being an open area. So far no one had bothered them there.
“Up to you, I’m just going to lie down for a while,” said Josy.
Melanie lay back as well and let the idea mull over in her head. It’s just the two of them. Could she take off her pants? She looked to her side. Josy was laying there with her eyes closed, in just her shorts and blouse. Melanie was jealous of Josy’s exposed skin.
Besides, it was getting hot.
She unbuttoned her jeans and as quietly as she could she started moving it down over her hips. It was Josy’s suggestion after all, Melanie reasoned. Not like it’s her own idea to expose herself to Josy. As her panties came into view, Melanie was glad she was wearing a nice pair, white with some lace around the edges.
After checking that Josy was still laying there with her eyes closed, Melanie worked her jeans down her legs. She already felt the relief from the smothering heat of her tight jeans. She removed her shoes and socks and pulled her feet out.
This is nice, Melanie thought as she laid back. Not much different than wearing a bikini to the beach. Well, panties are not exactly a bikini, but they covered the important bits, right?
She felt herself relax as the familiar feeling of both sun and surrounding air soothed her skin.
“Are you okay there, Mel?” Josy said a few minutes later, startling her.
“Yeah… It was hot, you don’t mind, do you?” Melanie asked hopefully as she pulled her shirt down over her panties.
“If you’re feeling hot, you should remove your shirt as well,” Josy said, closing her eyes again.
“Wait, what?” Melanie was stunned by Josy’s brazen suggestion. Her shirt covered most of her body. By pulling it down, it even covered her panties.
Taking off her pants was borderline. She was still decent, she figured. Taking off her shirt left her in just her underwear.
Sitting there with her long sleeve shirt, Melanie was thinking how much more comfortable it would be if she removed it.
“Maybe we should go home,” Melanie said, staring at her pants.
“Do you really want that?” Josy asked, raising herself on her elbows.
Melanie thought it over. She didn’t really want to go home yet. She felt that craving she mentioned earlier, but it was fighting against her inner demons.
In school she’d avoided showering after gym class, choosing to rush out early instead. Behind her back she’d heard the snide remarks from some of the more popular classmates, making fun of her lack of curves. Boys never paid much attention to her at that time.
Her friends had told her not to worry about it too much, she’d hit her growth spurt later. But even though she got some curves later on; it had damaged her self-image. Even in the last few years, she’d avoided team sports so she wouldn’t have to shower in public.
This past summer, she chose to stay home, making excuses whenever friends would go to the lake or beach. She was hoping to make new friends in college, start over without all the baggage, so to speak.
Aware that she needed to get more comfortable with her body, over the past few months she had used moments when her parents were away to go out into her backyard by herself.
Bit by bit she had dared herself to uncover more skin in different ways and found that she enjoyed it. Every time it felt like she expanded her horizon, like a quest of personal development.
But it had all been safe in her backyard. Alone and unseen, until last week, until now. She was fiddling with the hem of her shirt. Baby steps, she thought.
“No, we can stay,” she said, finally answering Josy’s question.
“Then remove your shirt.”
Not so much a suggestion this time. So much for baby steps.
“Can you turn the other way, please?” Melanie asked nervously.
“No,” Josy said, sitting up and turning her way, “and we’re not leaving before you take it off.”
Where did that come from? Melanie gulped. This was even worse! Her heart was racing and she was trembling. Is this anxiety, she wondered?
“Please,” she begged.
Josy seemed to consider it and lay back down. Melanie watched Josy close her eyes.
She could do this, Melanie thought. With shaking hands, she started lifting her shirt. Josy opened an eye at the sound, a smile now on her face. It was a kind smile, Melanie realized, not a cruel one.
Her arms felt weak. It was a strain to pull her shirt up further and then it went over her head, temporarily shielding her view. It scared her not being able to see and she put more effort into it, taking it off and pulling her blonde hair out, she held it to her chest.
She saw Josy smile again as she took the shirt from her hands before laying back down.
“Good on you, Mel.”
Melanie sat there for a few minutes, face red from more than just the heat. It had felt good to hear those encouraging words from Josy.
As her nerves settled her mind went back to her immediate surroundings. Sitting there in just her matching panties and bra, she felt the sun on her skin. It brought back memories of past days in her backyard and those enjoyable moments.
She could enjoy this too. She lay back down, forcing her arms by her side. After a moment she felt herself relax in the feeling of the sun on her skin, releasing tension all over her body. Occasionally she heard Josy move around a bit, reminding her she wasn’t alone.
Melanie was happy she could lay there like that. She felt relaxed, comfortable and as the sun warmed her skin, she felt a familiar stir deep down inside of her.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” Josy asked after a little while.
Melanie, who’d been relaxed and close to dozing off, was roused by the sound.
“Yeah, it is.” Melanie agreed, she was feeling better and better.
“You know, I was wondering about something.”
“About what?”
“You’re shaved, right? Down there.” Josy asked it in a calm voice, but Melanie was instantly alert again. That came out of nowhere.
“What?!?” Melanie said, opening her eyes to see Josy sitting up, looking at her.
“I didn’t get a good look the other day from my window, but I could tell you didn’t have much hair down there.”
Melanie blushed, didn’t know what to say.
“Can I see?” Josy asked. Melanie turned even redder.
“How can you ask that? And why?” Melanie didn’t know what to make of that question. Why would Josy want to see.
“Just curious, I suppose. A learning experience?” Josy asked.
As strange a request as it was, it intrigued her. Besides, she’d already laid bare her secret earlier. She couldn’t ignore the butterflies that awoke in her tummy. “I guess…” Melanie said, wondering what Josy was playing at. However, she didn’t move her hands.
Josy looked at Melanie, who stayed quiet and unmoving. She saw Josy move closer and wondered what she was up to. Josy’s hand moved to her panties and then took the waistband between thumb and index finger. Melanie gasped, couldn’t believe Josy was being this bold, as her panties were pulled away from her body and Josy took a peek down at her mound.
Melanie’s heart raced, still unsure how to react. Was Josy seriously just looking down her panties like it’s the most normal thing in the world?
“I can’t see very well,” Josy said after a moment. She moved even closer and said, “Lift your hips.”
Melanie, feeling lightheaded by the surreal situation, felt compelled to comply as Josy took hold of both sides of her panties and slowly dragged them down.
“What…what are you doing?” Melanie found her voice. Realizing her panties were getting pulled down by her friend, Melanie’s head was filled with conflicting emotions.
She couldn’t believe she was letting Josy do all this to her. Somehow it felt right to just let her do her thing and be a passenger along for the ride.
It was strange getting undressed like this, in an open area freely accessible to anyone. The risk of someone walking in on them fueled both fear and excitement and somehow being a passive participant in her own exposure enhanced the experience.
Yet she didn’t think she would trust a guy to do the same to her. She had no feelings of attraction towards Josy and as far as she knew, Josy was the same. What was Josy’s motivation in all this? Could she trust her?
Josy pulled the panties further down than Melanie had expected and stopped short of exposing her clit, letting the waistband rest on top of it. She slowly reached out her hand and to Melanie’s surprise and excitement let her fingers glide over the smooth skin.
“Nice and smooth. Did you do this for your boyfriend, or a potential partner?” Josy asked as she continued to touch her, yet she still sounded like this was nothing out of the ordinary. It lit a fire inside of her.
“No, not for anyone. I… don’t like hair down there, so I remove it.” It was unreal, talking to Josy and being touched like that.
“Where are your tan lines? You’re a bit lighter down here, but I don’t see any distinct lines.” Josy asked, as she looked closely at Melanie’s pubic area.
Melanie was amazed at Josy’s brazen behavior. The touches and close attention sent tingles throughout her body. The question about her tan made her nervous and she was unsure how to answer.
“I uh… I may have experimented a little over the summer.”
“Ah,” The vague answer seemingly satisfied Josy, as she continued looking for a moment before laying back down again. “Thank you for showing me.”
The sun, the open air, the exposed skin, and the touches had Melanie high on arousal. She felt herself squirming with her legs and Josy seemed to notice.
“Are you okay, Mel?”
“Uh huh.”
“Is this turning you on or something?” She asked in an amused tone.
“No!” she lied as embarrassment washed over her.
“Are you going to fix your panties?” Josy asked in an amused tone while Melanie was just laying there and not doing anything about it.
“M… maybe later.”
Being exposed like this was exciting her and while talking about it was embarrassing, the direct attention to her state of undress increased the level of excitement she felt.
“Hmmm, let me then. Lift your butt.” Josy sat up and moved closer again. Melanie did as she was asked, letting Josy take control again, though she felt a pang of disappointment that her fun time was over.
However, instead of pulling her panties back up as Melanie had expected, she gasped as Josy began pulling them further down.
“What…what are you doing?” asked Melanie in a high-pitched voice as her bare lips were exposed and she felt her panties go past her knees.
Josy didn’t answer as she pulled Melanie’s panties further down and off her feet, putting them next to her bag.
“How does it feel, Mel? To be naked except for your bra, here out in the open.”
Melanie moaned; her arousal skyrocketed. “Oh fff… why did you do that?”
“Haha, enjoy it, Mel,” Josy said, “Wow, it sure looks like you are!”
“Don’t look!” Both hands shot to her pussy, where she felt her own wetness. Damn, she was sensitive.
She lay there like that for a minute trying not to move her hands before begging “Please put my panties back on.”
“Why not do it yourself? They’re right here. I have another suggestion though, just turn over on your stomach,” Josy said.
“What if someone comes, they’ll see me!” Melanie said, as she turned over.
“We’ll be able to hear them coming.” Josy said as she unclasped Melanie’s bra.
Melanie felt a touch on her shoulder and as if understanding the unspoken command, she lifted her upper body. After allowing Josy to maneuver her arms through the straps of the bra, she felt Josy pull it away.
“Josy!” Melanie exclaimed. She was now completely naked.
As she lowered herself back down her hard nipples grazed the cloth sheet Josy had brought and it sent a shock through her body. She bit her lip as she barely suppressed another moan.
“You’re a strange one, Mel, a naked strange one” Josy said with a laugh and ignoring the question.
Melanie let out a long-drawn-out sigh. How did she end up here like this?
The whole experience had her high on arousal, yet underneath it all it felt liberating.
The fear of someone walking up to them dominated her thoughts, but Melanie couldn’t deny how amazing it felt to lay there in the sun, completely naked. During all her backyard adventures, she’d never dared to go this far. It was new and exciting and still very scary.
They lay there for a while, in silence except for the noise from the highway and the rustling of leaves in the wind.
“Cute butt,” Josy said after a while. “Shall we go home soon? I’m sure we both have a lot to do today. Last chance to get some sun on your front.”
“Don’t look please,” said Melanie as she turned over on her back. She saw Josy briefly looking her over as she fought to keep her arms by her sides. “Stop staring!”
“If you’re like that, perhaps I should take my leave and take your clothes with me!” Josy threatened.
“No!” Melanie sat up, reaching for her clothes.
Josy laughed and then said, “relax, I’m kidding, but maybe we should take a few pictures to remember this day.”
Melanie shot her a warning look.
“Maybe next time,” Josy said as she checked her phone. Melanie kept an eye on her till she put her phone down to make sure she didn’t start taking pictures.
They lay there for another 15 minutes before leaving. Though Melanie was extremely nervous someone might walk up to them, she was enjoying every minute of it. Somehow Josy’s presence didn’t bother her so much anymore.
“I hope you know you can trust me, Mel.” Josy said as Melanie was pulling on her panties.
“Aside from your cruel jokes? Yeah, I think so.” Melanie said as she put her bra on her B-cup breasts. “Hook my bra for me, you know the one you took off me earlier. I can’t believe you undressed me.”
“I know, but it was fun, wasn’t it? I hope that doesn’t make things weird between us. I was just trying to give you a little push,” Josy said, blushing.
“Really? You’re the one blushing?” Melanie asked incredulously. She laughed at how ridiculous it was that it was Josy who was embarrassed.
“Yeah, we’re fine,” she said as she pulled on her jeans.
It was time they headed home. Melanie took one last look around at the place where she’d been naked just a few minutes ago and shook her head in disbelief.
They crossed the footbridge and Melanie checked the time again. It was just past noon, lunchtime.
“So, since we’re fine, does that mean photos next time?” Josy teased.
Melanie shivered as she imagined Josy taking pictures of her in various stages of undress. Would that be pornography, she wondered. The idea of having someone take pictures of her naked and outside excited her, but she would be destroyed if the pictures ended up online or worse, seen by her friends and family.
“Absolutely not…maybe…no, stopping putting these thoughts into my head.”
“I can’t wait to tell my friends about this.” More teasing.
“Enough already!” Melanie was getting exasperated as Josy laughed.
They walked in silence for the rest of the way. When they were nearing home, Josy spoke up again.
“Do you want to come over for lunch?” she asked.
“Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll just hop in and let my parents know,” Melanie said. “Wait, will your dad be there too?”
“Saturday lunch, he usually joins,” said Josy, stopped walking and added in a wary tone “Why?”
Melanie turned red again as she walked a few steps further. She looked back at Josy who was standing there with a stern look on her face.
Melanie realized she shouldn’t have asked it like that. Why hadn’t she just casually asked if her parents would join for lunch. Now how will she get out of this.
“Maybe it’s better I don’t join for lunch.”
Judging from Josy’s frown, that too was not the right way to get out of it.
“Should I run for it?” she asked Josy with a nervous smile.
Wow… you’re a natural Cave. The sensitivity and focus here are really good. This is phenomenal stuff. I love Josy’s gentle control and Melanie’s gradual submission. I’ll enjoy wherever you take this but hopefully you can continue to keep the high level of realism. Most stories after this point plunge into doormat territory, and while that can still be a ‘lot of fun’ it is less realistic and loses some of the magic. So far you have a perfect balance. I can hardly wait to read more!
It means a lot to hear you say that, thank you. Every chapter I post I worry about how it is received.
I wouldn’t say I’m a natural. It was very difficult to write all the conversation in this chapter.
Three chapters in, this is basically still just a short story and thank you for putting so much pressure on me to keep the level of realism high 😀
Actually, I regret pressuring about realism, especially when it’s already so realistic. Way more important than that advice is to stay true to your original idea for the story and enjoy the path that you have set. Especially for a first story.
There are some common POV mistakes sometimes and other minor technical issues, but I never mind that for a first story… especially one with this much promise that reads so well. That stuff is easily ignored because paragraph breakups are very good. I like the dialog and how it’s peppered with great reaction information and thoughts. It’s very readable and I like the style. The story completely nails the most important bits; readability, does it make you feel something? Do you want to keep reading?
Just keep going and don’t let any comments derail your excellent progress.
Happy new year!
Please don’t worry about it, ReaderMan. I know it was positive feedback and my response was meant in a good natured way, hence the smiley.
Regarding POV, I will need to figure out how to rewrite those and convey the message in a different manner and will take it to heart for future chapters.
In any case, I am very thankful for your responses.
Best wishes to everyone for the new year!
I read lots of stories with POV issues and it rarely bothers me, sometimes I even like knowing everything. I think POV’s are just common conventions. Like a set of art rules by consensus. It’s definitely harder to write exactly what you want when you have to abide by these POV restrictions. I also sometimes have POV issues in my story. However, what you lose in terms of sharing exactly what the other character is thinking, you gain back value in the form of uncertainty. Not knowing everything allows the reader to connect better with the character and share their worries and concerns (real or not) or be blissfully unaware of something only to have both character and reader surprised ‘together’ when the surprising thing happens.
When you are just in the main character’s perspective, you can also have it both ways, as each situation requires. You can have surprise and uncertainty in one situation, and also you can give subtle or not-so-subtle hints through actions and dialog for another situation you want the reader to see coming. Also, I’m slowly learning that understating can be more powerful than overstating.
I think the story is more important than the technical. We can always go back or gradually improve our technical execution with each story or chapter. But if we miss some great inspiration for a scene because we are hung up on some technical execution detail, then we, the story, and the readers all suffer. Especially if we give up in frustration and watch tv instead. The wise path is to keep doing what works and keep an ear out for how to gradually improve going forward. Because writing is hard, and there is simply too much to learn at once and it’s extra hard to both learn and write at the same time. So in my opinion, small incremental improvements over time is the best way to balance productivity with growth.
Thank you for the insights, this part in particular:
Cave,
It took me a bit to cycle back to ‘Discovering Melanie.’ I’m so glad I did. This is a perfect example of how rich a story can become with the addition of a second character. I have to say, you are capitalizing on the opportunity masterfully. I’m not sure I have ever read a more endearing slow strip scene. The interplay of Melanie’s ‘craving’ to feel the sun’s rays on the her skin, her concerns about what Josy might say and do, Josy’s own mischievous personality as well as her ability to gain Mel’s trust are all nicely interwoven. I can see why ReaderMan called you a ‘natural.’ What you are managing is what can’t be taught. It’s a balance that few achieve.
The POV stuff, that can be taught. And like I saw mention of in the comments, there are a number of ‘errors’ in that regard. You are writing in Third Person Limited Point of View. This is supposedly the most common point of view in commercial fiction, and it is ideal for a story like this. The reader experiences the action as Mel herself does, knowing only what she sees, experiences as well as what’s in her own thoughts. We get to enjoy her concerns, her shyness, as well as her urges.
Occasionally you stray over into Josy’s head. From a technical standpoint, sentences such as, “Josy thought back to the previous week…” and “Josy was slowly beginning to understand her friend…” should not be there. That is termed ‘head-hopping.’ Please understand that I’m not meaning to criticize. Normally, I would not get into such things in a comment. I’m only doing this time it because: 1. we’ve known each other for a few years now, 2. I sense you want to improve your writing, and 3. this story has soooo much potential.
ReaderMan stated, “However, what you lose in terms of sharing exactly what the other character is thinking, you gain back value in the form of uncertainty.” That is so well stated. I’m going to try and etch those words into my long-term memory. And if there is something the reader has to know, then there are options. The best one, is to just have the character say what’s on their mind.
But back to the story: I loved that Mel ended up nude. I loved that no disaster ensued. I loved that Josy backed off when Mel balked at photos. The relationship of these two is key and the trust that is forming is captivating. You really seem to have a knack for characters and character development.
Best Regards for the New Year, Blair
Thank you for the kind words and the helpful feedback.
I’ve been on the fence regarding the POV issues. I can correct them, but it’ll likely remove information for the reader in this chapter, which makes me a bit uncomfortable.
As RM said it might gain value back in the form of uncertainty, so I might go ahead and do that anyway.
edit: POV corrections. Hope I got them all.
Cave, im just catching up on this. I like your characterizations so far. Nice little flirty situations. I would keep these a little shorter. There is enough here to split in to two. Good job so far!
Thanks, sbjdaniels, I hope you’ll like where the story goes from here.
Love this chapter, so well done.