Comments on: Discovering Melanie Ch. 15

By: Cave

Cave — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 15:13:12 +0000

In reply to pavel_ser. I ccurrently have more ideas than I can possibly write, but you're always welcome to share your predictions. Last week you got pretty close with your prediction about the run.

By: ReaderMan

ReaderMan — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 06:00:25 +0000

In reply to pavel_ser.

I agree with pavel_ser. It would be cool if Josy and Brian could somehow join forces to push Mel to new discoveries. However, if they can only do it separately, I won’t complain. I also like the roommates as well. Light stuff is the meat and potatoes, but I also like the depth and realism.
Nice update to the… ahem… good part.

By: BPClavel

BPClavel — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 03:12:20 +0000

When I saw that you were making a change inspired by my comment, I was concerned. I don’t comment on stories hoping to influence writers. But then I read this. It’s delightful! I don’t imagine that you’ve altered the trajectory of your story at all. You simply made this scene a better fit with the rest. AND it makes these characters more relatable. Well done!

By: pavel_ser

pavel_ser — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 14:36:21 +0000

Cave, thank you for your answers. You know better. I continue to enjoy how the relationship unfolds between Melanie and Brian. Josy can join this and create a magic triangle, where Brian and Josy will jointly push Melanie to new discoveries. Plus there are neighbors. If you need ideas, I can give them to you. But it seems to me that in general, you are good at it. The main thing is that you like it, and then we, readers like it.

By: Cave

Cave — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 09:55:14 +0000

In reply to ReaderMan.

So it works for me, but I get what Blair is saying. On the surface it looks kind of blunt with the sudden (but foreshadowed) hand job

Yes, I'm now seeing the issue more clearly. Actually, initially that whole part was to be more written out, but I did not think a detailed scene of a handjob had a place in an ENF story. However, in writing it as I did now, it has become rushed, sudden, emotionless. I will try to rewrite it in the way I meant it to be, without going into details too much, to capture the essence of the scene. If I manage that, I'll edit it in.

By: ReaderMan

ReaderMan — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 02:23:34 +0000

To me, Brian and Melanie seem normal considering who they are and what has happened so far. They are young and overwhelmed with all the sensations of what they are playing around with in the park. It’s an amped up sexy moment, with both of them so turned on that they don’t have space for the lovey-dovey stuff, and even if they did they are not used to being emotionally intimate.

Plus she has trust issues (some imagined, some real), but is trying to work through them… she’s trying to get past that. Probably wise to have worry at this point since she had an orgasm in his arms and was with Josy and him at the time. Who knows what a guy will think after something that. She’s hoping that he has more in him, that this could be something, that he could look past that and see the real her, but she’s probably wise to be cautious at this point. She’s giving him the benefit of the doubt, probably because of that first encounter after the rain where he held back, but she’s definitely rolling the dice here.

They are inexperienced, likely virgins. She’s trying to fight her fears of the unknown, while also guiding him and making them both get what they want. She is not great at reading signals from guys and he’s terrible with girls. Plus he seems to have blue balls and she feel’s guilty for doing that to him, repeatedly. I don’t think you can go wrong with a strip show in a park followed by a hand job.

So it works for me, but I get what Blair is saying. On the surface it looks kind of blunt with the sudden (but foreshadowed) hand job and her fear of him while also encouraging him can seem confusing. But I like it… feels real and raw and a lot going on under the surface. It seemed like that was Brian’s first hand job and no doubt it was huge for him, and maybe even the defining sexual moment of his entire life.

To me the scene was wonderful. It was great to see a woman side of things. Please ‘don’t thank me’ and how she was hoping he would ‘play his cards right’. We got to see all those little things that should be done right to keep the magic going.

The ending was also good…

They just talked about their run and when to go again. Neither mentioned what happened at the end of the run.

However, they did smile at each other as they said bye. To Melanie, it felt like an understanding. It was something private between them.

All in all I think Brian’s a lucky bastard. Hopefully he’s smart enough to not screw this up.

By: BPClavel

BPClavel — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 01:58:19 +0000

I hope you realize that those weren’t questions I was hoping for answers to, not in a comment to the story anyway. I was merely letting you know where my head is at this moment in your most enjoyable feast of a story. Those things are what I am thinking about as I await the next delicious morsel.
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As I am sure you are a beginning writer, as you say, then I have to chalk this up to talent. Many stories have black and white characters. We, as readers, quickly learn who is good and who is evil. The story then plays out, often with a lot of fun, but no major surprises. Your characters, on the other hand, are all grey. That is to say that they are more like real people. Real people surprise. That keeps me reading. As you can tell, I can’t yet draw a bead on Josy. She pushes Mel, but she is sensitive to her feelings. She doesn’t seem to be a lesbian, but then she reacts to some situations in a way that I imagine might be due to jealousy.
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Bottom line, I look forward to each and every installment. They are fun AND they get me thinking. Brian too. He doesn’t behave as I imagine I would. And yet, I never had the fortune to meet a woman like Melanie, and certainly never under such circumstances.
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You wrote, “I admit that it’s possible that some of what I mean to relay to readers, might end up being missed, or not written out clear enough.”
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This is definitely something that I wrestle with as a writer. I used to worry that readers might miss it (or forget) if I said a character was angry or had red hair (anything), so I tended to repeat myself. Lately, I consider it the reader’s responsibility to pay attention. And yet, I still believe that it is necessary to reinforce things, especially physical description.
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By the way, ‘talking out of both sides of her mouth’ was probably a poor choice of words. It would have been better (and surely more accurate) to say that Melanie is conflicted or still figuring out what she likes in a man. But possibly I am completely off base. Surely Brian can be both more confident and less scary. That’s probably what Mel has in mind.
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But, as I think I’ve said, I’m enjoying the story … eagerly awaiting the next installment so that I can continue to be surprised by these interesting characters.

By: Cave

Cave — Mon, 05 Apr 2021 20:24:53 +0000

In reply to BPClavel.

Hmm, these are complex characters. Well, at least I try to make them into complex characters, but I’m just a beginning writer.

Question 1. relates to their youth. I believe most people, young but also old, can say something they truly believe, but later find they were mistaken at the time. On top of that, the reader follows along with Melanie’s thoughts in this story, but I admit that it’s possible that some of what I mean to relay to readers, might end up being missed, or not written out clear enough.

Question 2. relates to their personalities and past experiences. Indeed, these are not ordinary people, and some of their unusual traits are the reason why they have found each other. I’ll just say, I do try to keep intention behind these characters, even when the characters themselves might not be fully aware of their own intentions.

By: BPClavel

BPClavel — Mon, 05 Apr 2021 03:44:00 +0000

I wasn’t able to read until today. But I didn’t mind leaving this delicious little morsel on the plate for a day or two – as long as it’s there, I’m in control. But today I gobbled it up, placing Cave back in charge. There will be another chapter, I trust, and the cycle will repeat. I’ll read, either right away or when it suits me, and then … back to waiting.
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And so it is with this story. Who is in charge in any particular scene transfers back and forth … but not just between two … for there are three primary actors. In the last chapter, in the bathroom, Brian steps up, taking a turn being in charge. He explores some female skin, lifting Mel’s skirt, discovering that she is indeed pantiless. And then Josy enters. The baton of authority transfers to her. Maybe ‘baton’ is an apt metaphor, appropriately phallic, as some plunging does take place. Mel’s legs go weak, fortunately Brian is there to hold her up.
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And then (now in Chapter 15), after seemingly getting them to the elevator, Josy drops the baton. Melanie picks it up. She has to. Someone has to press the button. This scene left me struggling to figure out where Josy’s head was. Is this a love triangle? Did she feel as if Mel was cheating on her in the bathroom with Brian? Possibly so. Melanie (clearly in charge) takes Josy’s hand in hers interlacing their fingers, and Josy’s mood brightens. Later in her room, Melanie (still clearly in charge) puts Josy’s hand between her legs. I’m definitely not sure what is going on here.
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The next morning with Brian, Melanie seems to be the assertive one. But then (after some confusing thoughts about Melanie being scared of him), Brian takes the initiative. “Okay, so… if you enjoyed being exposed in a bathroom at a party, what about a public park?” he says. They find a more secluded spot, and Melanie removes her jacket. From there, more skin is exposed. That seems rather balanced in terms of who is running things. Melanie wants to show, but Brian is definitely encouraging her. “I need to see a bit more,” he remarks at one point.
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And then from there, Melanie, seemingly a little more concerned about ‘blue balls’ than any girl I ever met, takes the bull by the horns and renders the release she feels is necessary. But I guess it makes sense. She wants him to know, “I’m not just a tease.”
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The two big questions I find myself contemplating as I await that next morsel are:
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1. Why all this talk about being scared of Brian. As guys go, he’s not very scary. His moments of assertiveness are indeed fleeting. And what is more, Melanie needs more from him in that regard. Indeed she even coaches him. “But… it’s okay to show a little more confidence, Brian. Girls like confidence.” Yep, Melanie is definitely talking out of both sides of her mouth.
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2. Why such an unusual relationship? No hugging, no kissing, nothing like that. Melanie just reaches in, nothing in the way of tenderness, and jacks him off. It seems like these two like each other, and yet all that typical stuff is missing. Sensing how careful our writer is, I know that this aspect of a male-female relationship has not been overlooked. These are not ordinary people, so it is surely intentional that this relationship is not playing out as most do.
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Best Regards,
Blair

By: Cave

Cave — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 19:11:57 +0000

In reply to arthwys.

I mean, when Melanie said she is afraid of Brian, this could very well have been the end between these two. I had the feeling just one wrong word from either one and that’s it.

Yes. She's taking a risk being there with him, talking to him. She rationalizes the risk, based on how he behaved previously, but it's a crucial conversation.

I am very curious how it will develop further with Melanie and Brian. And also how Josy will fit into it.

Thank you for your comments. I'm glad you're following along with the story and hope you'll like how it goes from here.