Thanks, sbjdaniels, I hope you’ll like where the story goes from here.

Thank you for the kind words and the helpful feedback.

I’ve been on the fence regarding the POV issues. I can correct them, but it’ll likely remove information for the reader in this chapter, which makes me a bit uncomfortable.

As RM said it might gain value back in the form of uncertainty, so I might go ahead and do that anyway.

It took me a bit to cycle back to ‘Discovering Melanie.’ I’m so glad I did. This is a perfect example of how rich a story can become with the addition of a second character. I have to say, you are capitalizing on the opportunity masterfully. I’m not sure I have ever read a more endearing slow strip scene. The interplay of Melanie’s ‘craving’ to feel the sun’s rays on the her skin, her concerns about what Josy might say and do, Josy’s own mischievous personality as well as her ability to gain Mel’s trust are all nicely interwoven. I can see why ReaderMan called you a ‘natural.’ What you are managing is what can’t be taught. It’s a balance that few achieve. 

The  POV stuff, that can be taught. And like I saw mention of in the comments, there are a number of ‘errors’ in that regard. You are writing in Third Person Limited Point of View. This is supposedly the most common point of view in commercial fiction, and it is ideal for a story like this. The reader experiences the action as Mel herself does, knowing only what she sees, experiences as well as what’s in her own thoughts. We get to enjoy her concerns, her shyness, as well as her urges. 

Occasionally you stray over into Josy’s head. From a technical standpoint, sentences such as, “Josy thought back to the previous week…” and “Josy was slowly beginning to understand her friend…” should not be there. That is termed ‘head-hopping.’ Please understand that I’m not meaning to criticize. Normally, I would not get into such things in a comment. I’m only doing this time it because: 1. we’ve known each other for a few years now, 2. I sense you want to improve your writing, and 3. this story has soooo much potential. 

ReaderMan stated, “However, what you lose in terms of sharing exactly what the other character is thinking, you gain back value in the form of uncertainty.” That is so well stated. I’m going to try and etch those words into my long-term memory. And if there is something the reader has to know, then there are options. The best one, is to just have the character say what’s on their mind. 

But back to the story: I loved that Mel ended up nude. I loved that no disaster ensued. I loved that Josy backed off when Mel balked at photos. The relationship of these two is key and the trust that is forming is captivating. You really seem to have a knack for characters and character development.   

Best Regards for the New Year, Blair

Thank you for the insights, this part in particular:

But if we miss some great inspiration for a scene because we are hung up on some technical execution detail, then we, the story, and the readers all suffer. Especially if we give up in frustration and watch tv instead.

When you are just in the main character’s perspective, you can also have it both ways, as each situation requires. You can have surprise and uncertainty in one situation, and also you can give subtle or not-so-subtle hints through actions and dialog for another situation you want the reader to see coming. Also, I’m slowly learning that understating can be more powerful than overstating.

I think the story is more important than the technical. We can always go back or gradually improve our technical execution with each story or chapter. But if we miss some great inspiration for a scene because we are hung up on some technical execution detail, then we, the story, and the readers all suffer. Especially if we give up in frustration and watch tv instead. The wise path is to keep doing what works and keep an ear out for how to gradually improve going forward. Because writing is hard, and there is simply too much to learn at once and it’s extra hard to both learn and write at the same time. So in my opinion, small incremental improvements over time is the best way to balance productivity with growth.

Please don’t worry about it, ReaderMan. I know it was positive feedback and my response was meant in a good natured way, hence the smiley.

Regarding POV, I will need to figure out how to rewrite those and convey the message in a different manner and will take it to heart for future chapters.

In any case, I am very thankful for your responses.

Best wishes to everyone for the new year!

There are some common POV mistakes sometimes and other minor technical issues, but I never mind that for a first story… especially one with this much promise that reads so well. That stuff is easily ignored because paragraph breakups are very good. I like the dialog and how it’s peppered with great reaction information and thoughts. It’s very readable and I like the style. The story completely nails the most important bits; readability, does it make you feel something? Do you want to keep reading?

Just keep going and don’t let any comments derail your excellent progress.

Happy new year!