Bud & Gorsy: The Secret Shopper

Act 1:

“Chief,” Bud declared, puffing out his chest with a self-assured grin, “Gorsy and I are gonna stake out Hot Topic for that shoplifter. We’ve got a solid lead!”

Chief Tony sighed, rubbing his temples with a weary hand. “Bud, it’s really not necessary. We’ve got other priorities.”

Bud, ever the enthusiastic debater, leaned in closer. “But Chief, think about it. This could be our big break! Imagine catching a master thief in the act. It’s just like that time Poirot—”

Chief Tony cut him off, his voice firm but tired. “Bud, we’ve talked about this. You’re here to maintain order, not to play detective.”

Gorsy, lounging nearby and nodding along, finally spoke up. “Yeah, Chief, but it wouldn’t hurt to check it out, right? Plus, Bud’s got a point. Hot Topic’s been hit a lot lately.”

“You two morons aren’t going to leave me alone until I agree to this are you?” Chief Tony looked between the two of them. “Bud, Gorsy, listen. Our job is to keep the mall safe and the customers happy. If you want to do a stakeout, fine. But keep it low-key and don’t cause any disruptions.”

Bud’s face lit up with a victorious grin. “You got it, Chief! We won’t let you down. Come on, Gorsy, let’s gear up.”

Gorsy pushed himself up, giving a lazy salute. “Sure thing, Chief. We’ll be like shadows.”

Chief Tony watched them go, shaking his head. “More like a circus,” he muttered to himself, hoping this wouldn’t turn into another disaster.

 

Act 2:

“Alright, Gorsy, here’s how we do it. We position ourselves near the entrance, blend in with the shoppers, and keep a close eye on every suspicious character. We’re gonna catch this thief red-handed.”

Gorsy, scratching his head, glanced around at the customers in Hot Topic. “Bud, why do all the girls here look like vampires?”

“Ah, Gorsy, let me enlighten you, my friend.” Bud puffed out his chest. “You see, it’s all part of a secret society. Real vampires, mind you, plotting to take over America. These kids, they worship them, hoping to earn a place in their ranks. Now, you’ve undoubtedly heard of Wesley Snipes and Christina Ricci, right? Big names in the vampire world. Well, if these followers play their cards right, they get to live in Portland. Yeah, it’s all connected, a whole underground network. Fascinating stuff, really.”

Gorsy nodded slowly, trying to keep up with Bud’s elaborate explanation. “Portland, huh? Never knew.”

—-

“You see, Gorsy, my friend, this here is the prime spot for our surveillance,” Bud declared, his voice dripping with the unwarranted confidence of a trivia night champion. “Women’s bathrooms, statistically speaking, have a higher traffic flow than their male counterparts, thus giving us a better cover and ample opportunity to observe our target without arousing suspicion. Plus, they’re positioned directly opposite Hot Topic, allowing us a strategic view of any suspicious activity.”

Gorsy, lounging uncomfortably on the toilet seat, looked around with a skeptical frown. “Bud, we can’t see squat from here. Did you bring binoculars?”

Bud smacked his forehead, a theatrical gesture that seemed almost rehearsed. “Darn it, I knew I forgot something. Well, no matter. We’ll just use my phone.” He fished his phone out of his pocket, only to be greeted by a nearly dead battery. “Ah, cripes, it’s low on power.”

With a sigh, Gorsy pulled out his own phone and began playing a game, clearly more interested in virtual entertainment than their ill-conceived mission. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to make do.”

The first hour dragged on painfully. Gorsy, already bored, devoured all the snacks they had brought, leaving nothing but crumbs. He looked up from his game, his voice tinged with annoyance. “Bud, all the snacks are gone.”

Bud rolled his eyes. “Well, Gorsy, you ate them. We need to stay focused. Vigilance is key.”

Meanwhile, outside the bathroom, a line of increasingly irritated women began to form, their frustration growing with each passing minute. Chief Tony, ever the weary overseer, called in on their radio.

“What’s going on with the bathroom, Bud?” Tony’s voice crackled through the speaker.

Bud, ever the verbose know-it-all, launched into another explanation. “Well, Chief, it’s imperative that we maintain our position here. The women’s bathroom offers unparalleled access to observe the store without compromising our cover. Statistically speaking, bathrooms are—”

Tony cut him off, his patience clearly wearing thin. “I don’t care about your statistics, Bud. Let the women use the restroom. Now.”

The gathered females, hearing this command, forcefully pushed their way into the restroom. They stormed the stall where Bud and Gorsy were hiding, their shopping bags swinging with righteous fury.

“Get out, you perverts!” one woman yelled, her voice filled with anger.

—-

Bud and Gorsy, having been unceremoniously ejected from the women’s bathroom, now stationed themselves right outside the entrance of Hot Topic. The store’s open storefront made it easy for customers to come and go, and Bud saw this as the perfect opportunity to intercept potential shoplifters.

“Alright, Gorsy,” Bud began, leaning against a nearby pillar with an air of exaggerated authority. “This is our chance to keep the mall safe. Every person leaving this store is a potential suspect. Statistically speaking, shoplifters are most likely to exit through the front, especially in high-traffic retail environments like this one.”

Gorsy, already a bit weary but trying to keep up, nodded. “Got it, Bud. We’ll keep an eye on everyone.”

The first customer to leave was a teenage girl carrying a few bags. Bud stepped in front of her, his tone firm but condescending. “Excuse me, miss. Mall security. We need to perform a quick check to ensure you haven’t taken anything you shouldn’t have. Statistically, young individuals are more prone to shoplifting due to the influence of peer pressure and the thrill-seeking behaviors common in adolescent development.”

The girl, clearly confused and uncomfortable, tried to step around him. “Uh, I haven’t stolen anything.”

“Just a precaution,” Bud said, his hands already moving towards her bag. “You see, shoplifting incidents spike during peak hours, and—”

“Hey!” she protested, pulling her bag away. Bud’s eyes wandered downwards, and his hand brushed against her waist. “Watch it, creep!”

Bud, oblivious to his inappropriate behavior, continued, “It’s important to check thoroughly. Many shoplifters hide items on their person. For instance, tight clothing can sometimes conceal small items.” He lingered too long, and the girl slapped him hard across the face.

Gorsy chuckled, then pointed at another girl walking out. “Hey Bud, that one looks like she might be hiding something.”

Bud, undeterred by the slap, moved to intercept the new target. “Excuse me, young lady. We need to ensure that you’re not carrying any unpaid merchandise. Statistically—”

Before he could finish, he had already patted her down inappropriately, his hand brushing against her chest. “Get your hands off me!” she yelled, slapping him even harder.

Gorsy, inspired by Bud’s actions, decided to join in. “Alright, Bud, let me try one.” He stepped up to a woman in her twenties. “We just need to check you out, ma’am. Security reasons, you know. Can’t be too careful.”

Bud, catching on, nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly, Gorsy. It’s imperative for mall security. Most thefts occur due to lack of thorough checks. By patting down every customer, we ensure—”

The woman didn’t wait for him to finish. She kneed Gorsy in the groin, leaving him doubled over in pain.

Bud, rubbing his sore cheek, intercepted another customer, this time a burly man in his thirties. “Excuse me, sir, just a routine security check. Statistically, men of your build can conceal larger items—”

The man didn’t take kindly to Bud’s intrusive pat-down and grabbed Bud by the collar, lifting him slightly off the ground. “You touch me again, and I’ll change your life,” he growled, his eyes flashing with anger.

Bud, trying to maintain some semblance of dignity, stammered, “It’s for security purposes, sir. Statistically—” The man dropped Bud, who stumbled back, his confidence shaken. Gorsy, recovering from his own encounter, stood up, looking wary.

The store manager, having witnessed enough, stormed out of Hot Topic, her face flushed with anger. “What the hell are you two doing? You’re scaring off my customers!”

Bud, trying to regain his composure, straightened up. “Ma’am, it’s imperative for mall security. Statistically speaking, shoplifting—”

“I don’t care about your statistics!” she snapped. “Leave my store alone, or I’m calling the real mall security.”

Gorsy, still rubbing his groin, added, “But we are mall security.”

The manager glared at them. “Then act like it and stop harassing my customers!”

Bud, undeterred by her outburst, watched her march back into the store. He turned to Gorsy, a new idea forming. “Gorsy, this has to be an inside job. The manager’s reaction is too defensive. She’s in on it.”

Gorsy blinked, still a bit dazed from his encounter. “You think so, Bud?”

“Absolutely,” Bud said, his eyes narrowing thoughtfully. “We need to dig deeper. If she’s part of the theft ring, we’ll catch her red-handed. But we need to go undercover. And I have just the plan.”

Bud’s plan was, as expected, ludicrous. He decided Gorsy should go undercover as a customer, convinced that dressing like a goth guy would help them catch the suspect. Unfortunately, Bud’s understanding of “goth” was skewed by his ignorance.

“Alright, Gorsy,” Bud said with misplaced confidence, holding up a mesh shirt that was more revealing than anything else. “This is what the kids are wearing these days. Statistically speaking, blending in is the best way to gather intel without arousing suspicion.”

Gorsy eyed the outfit warily. The mesh shirt left nothing to the imagination, his nipples clearly visible through the fabric. The leather 5-point police cap and the too-tight, assless leather pants with chaps completed the bizarre ensemble. “Bud, I look like one of the Village People. My ass is freezing in these pants.”

Bud waved off his concerns, oblivious to the absurdity of the situation. “Nonsense, Gorsy. This is exactly what goth guys wear. You’ll blend right in.”

Resigned, Gorsy put on the outfit, feeling more ridiculous by the second. His discomfort was palpable as they walked towards Hot Topic, but Bud remained oblivious, his eyes scanning the crowd.

“There she is,” Bud whispered, pointing towards a petite young woman with wild blue hair, a corset, a lacy skirt, fishnet stockings, and boots. “That’s our prime suspect. She’s been in the store every day this week, observing customers and writing things down. Very suspicious, don’t you think?”

Gorsy squinted at her, then nodded. “She’s really pretty.”

Bud ignored the comment. “When the store manager goes on her break, you go in. Blend in, gather information. Remember, Gorsy, be subtle.”

The store manager soon left for her break, and Gorsy, feeling the cold air on his exposed buttocks, reluctantly walked into the store. As he entered, he garnered odd stares and giggles from other customers, clearly amused by his outlandish outfit.

Inside, Gorsy spotted Samantha up close and was struck by her beauty. Steeling himself, he approached her awkwardly. “Hi, I’m Bud Gorsy,” he introduced himself, fumbling over his words. “But everyone calls me Gorsy.”

Samantha, mistaking his awkwardness for a cognitive delay, spoke slowly and clearly. “Nice to meet you, Gorsy. I’m Samantha. How are you today?”

Gorsy, assuming she was the one who was slow in the head, was a bit disappointed. “I’m good. Just, uh, shopping.”

Samantha smiled warmly, her blue eyes sparkling with kindness. “Do you like the mall, Gorsy? What’s your favorite part?”

Gorsy brightened up a bit, thinking about food. “I like the food court. Lots of good stuff there.”

Samantha nodded encouragingly. “The food court is great. Maybe we could eat there sometime?”

Gorsy’s heart skipped a beat. He interpreted her invitation as interest in him. “Yeah, that sounds nice. Like a date?”

Samantha, not realizing the misunderstanding, simply smiled. “Sure, Gorsy. We can go there later.”

Gorsy left Hot Topic, heart racing, convinced that he had just scored a date with the pretty goth girl. He hurried back to Bud, who was waiting impatiently outside.

“So, what did you find out?” Bud asked, eyes gleaming with anticipation.

“I think she likes me!” Gorsy said, a goofy grin spreading across his face.

—

Samantha joined Gorsy at the food court, her attention clearly on him as she twirled a strand of blue hair around her finger. Gorsy, now back in his security uniform, nervously fumbled with his food tray. Samantha’s eyes met his, attentive and curious.

“So, Gorsy, what do you think is good here?” she asked, crossing her legs and causing her skirt to fall open, revealing a sliver of her thigh. She nibbled on her lip, glancing around before settling back on him.

“Uh, well,” Gorsy stammered, his eyes darting down to her exposed leg before snapping back up. “I like the burgers. But, you know, Bud says the pizza’s not bad either.”

Samantha smiled, picking at her salad. “Sounds good. I’m just having this, though.”

Gorsy, trying to make conversation, launched into a series of stories about his and Bud’s misadventures as mall cops. He spoke with animated gestures, his face lighting up with each ridiculous tale. Samantha listened, occasionally fidgeting with her fork, her eyes locked on Gorsy’s face, though she noticed his frequent gawking at her.

There was a brief, awkward pause. Gorsy shifted in his seat, then blurted out, “So, what do you do for work?”

Samantha leaned in, her corset pushing up her cleavage. Gorsy’s eyes widened, but he forced himself to meet her gaze. “I’m a secret shopper,” she admitted. “It’s something I do while I finish college. I hope I didn’t give you the wrong idea. I’m only 22, and, well, you’re a bit older than me.”

Gorsy’s face fell slightly, but he nodded. “Oh, uh, no, it’s fine. I just thought… never mind.”

Before she could finish, Bud lunged at her, his hand catching the shoulder of her top. Samantha’s eyes widened in panic as she felt the fabric strain under Bud’s grip. “No, don’t!” she pleaded, twisting to free herself. Bud’s grip tightened, the material stretching and tearing away from her shoulder.

Desperate to escape, Samantha turned and sprinted, not noticing the customer carrying a tray full of food until it was too late. She crashed into them, and the tray’s contents exploded across her with an enormous splat! Pie, mashed potatoes, and gravy doused her from head to toe. Her wild blue hair plastered to her face with various sauces, her corset and skirt now adorned with bits of food.

Stunned, Samantha stood there, dripping with the cafeteria’s finest, her eyes wide with disbelief. She wiped at her eyes, trying to clear the gunk. The food court erupted in laughter and murmurs as phones whipped out to capture the spectacle.

“What did these idiots just do to me?” she screamed, her voice trembling with rage and humiliation.

Gorsy, in his misguided attempt to play the hero, grabbed her arms from behind. “Sorry about this, but we have to restrain you,” he mumbled, genuinely apologetic despite his actions.

Bud approached, puffing out his chest with a look of self-satisfaction. “Now, let’s see what you’re hiding, thief!”

Before he could get any closer, Samantha swung her leg back and kicked Bud square in the nuts. “Oof!” Bud grunted, doubling over in pain and clutching his groin. He collapsed to the floor, writhing in agony, his face red and puffy as he let out a low groan.

Meanwhile, Samantha saw her chance and twisted her body, struggling to wrench herself free from Gorsy’s grip. Her movements were frantic, her heart pounding as she fought to escape. “Let me go!” she screamed, her voice a mix of fear and fury.

Gorsy, stunned by her fierce resistance, slackened his hold. Samantha exploited the moment, ripping her arms free with a desperate surge of energy. She lurched forward, her feet skidding on the greasy tiles. Somehow, she regained her footing, but only to trip over Bud’s thrashing legs.

She yelped as her momentum sent her tumbling, arms flailing wildly. For a heart-stopping instant, she was airborne before crashing headfirst into the mall’s water fountain with a colossal splash. Water erupted around her, soaking everything nearby.

She struggled to her feet, her hair plastered to her face, makeup streaking down her cheeks like ink. Her drenched clothes clung to her frame, accentuating every curve. She swiped at her eyes, trying to clear her blurred vision as water streamed down her face. “Help! Somebody help me!”

Bud, still recovering from the kick, managed to sit up, his face contorted with pain and frustration. “We got you this time this time,” he growled, attempting to regain some semblance of authority.

 

Act 3

 

“This woman is the mastermind behind it all!” Bud declared, puffing out his chest. Samantha stood in Chief Tony’s office, drenched and seething. Her wild blue hair, now matted and streaked with various sauces, clung to her face. Dark trails of makeup ran down her cheeks, giving her a ghostly appearance. The remains of her corset hung loosely, torn and askew, while her skirt, stained and ripped, revealed glimpses of her legs through the tattered fishnets. Bits of mashed potatoes and gravy dotted her outfit, and water dripped steadily from her clothes, pooling around her feet. 

Her eyes blazed with anger as she struggled to maintain any semblance of composure. Chief Tony waited awkwardly until the store manager of Hot Topic arrived. Then the Chief sighed deeply, bracing himself for the nonsense that was about to unfold. “Alright, Bud, what do you have to say for yourself this time?”

Bud straightened up, despite the lingering pain, and began his “reveal” with dramatic flair. “Chief, I’ve been meticulously gathering evidence all day, and I’ve finally cracked the case wide open. Allow me to walk you through it.”

Bud pointed at Samantha. “First off, just look at her! She dresses like a Goth. Everyone knows that’s always suspicious. Black clothes, heavy makeup, it’s like she’s trying to hide something.”

“Don’t forget the vampires in Portland,” Gorsy added helpfully.

Samantha rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious.”

Bud continued, undeterred. “Then there’s her behavior. She’s been hanging around Hot Topic for hours, taking pictures and writing things down. She’s obviously been casing the joint!”

The store manager crossed her arms. “She’s a secret shopper, Bud.”

“Ah ha!” Bud waved her off. “That’s exactly what she wants us to think.

 I’ve seen her type before. Always taking notes, always observing. Perfect cover.”

Chief Tony rubbed his temples. “Is there more, Bud?”

Bud nodded. “Oh, there’s plenty more, Chief. She lied to Gorsy! When he went undercover—” he paused to glance at Gorsy, who was still wearing a five-point police cap and a mesh top, “—she claimed she wasn’t interested in him. Now, who wouldn’t be interested in this hot stud?”

Gorsy tried to look nonchalant, shrugging. “I mean, I thought we had a connection.”

Samantha scoffed. “Are you kidding me? I was being polite.”

Chief Tony sighed. “Bud, Samantha is a secret shopper. She’s doing her job. There is no thief.”

Bud frowned, looking back at Samantha. “But all the signs—”

Samantha interrupted, her voice firm. “Your signs are wrong. I observe and take notes for my job. That’s all.”

The store manager nodded. “Bud, you’ve caused enough trouble. Let her go.”

Bud leaned in closer, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “And there’s the matter of her finances. Look at how skinny she is. She must be broke from spending all her money on black makeup and clothes. A classic sign of someone who’s turned to theft to fund their lifestyle.”

Samantha’s blue eyes rolled in her head. The Store Manager gave Chief Tom a challenging look. All the poor Chief could do is shrug.

“Let’s not forget her attempt to flee,” Bud continued, his voice rising. “When we approached her, she ran. Guilty behavior, if you ask me.”

Samantha, teeth chattering from the cold, glared at Bud. “I ran because you two are insane!”

“Exactly what a guilty person would say!” Bud held up a finger, silencing her. But the final piece of evidence, the one that ties it all together, is her refusal to admit her guilt even when caught red-handed.”

Chief Tony sighed again, deeper this time, his patience wearing thin. “Bud, this is ridiculous. She’s clearly not the thief.”

Bud shook his head, refusing to back down. “No, Chief, I’m telling you, she’s the mastermind. She’s clever, but she didn’t count on us being even more clever. We’ve got her now.”

Chief Tony, looking more tired than ever, turned to Samantha. “I’m really sorry about this. We’ll get this sorted out.”

“I’m not finished!” Bud declared, stepping forward. His eyes locked on the top hem of Samantha’s corset. “There’s one last place we haven’t checked for the stolen merchandise. Bet those tiny tits of yours are hiding something.”

Samantha’s blue eyes widened. “No, don’t you dare!”

Ignoring her plea, Bud grabbed the strings of her corset and yanked. The fabric tore with a loud rip, her top falling apart. Samantha’s bra came into view, struggling to contain her breasts, which were larger than Bud had claimed. The corset hit the floor, leaving her chest partially exposed.

Bud took a step back, momentarily stunned by the sight before him. His eyes flickered between her exposed skin and her furious glare, realization slowly dawning on him. “I… uh…”

Gorsy, standing beside him, couldn’t help but comment, “You got that wrong, Bud. Those aren’t small at all.”

Samantha’s face reddened with fury. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to cover herself. “You absolute moron!” she screamed, her voice shaking with anger.

“Yipe!” Samantha cried out as Bud hooked his fingers into the top of her lace skirt and yanked it down. Her skirt fell to the floor, revealing black panties and long legs. Bud’s eyes widened, taking in every inch. Samantha’s face burned, her glare cutting into Bud.

Gorsy simply nodded and commented, “Nice legs…”

Bud looked around the room, desperate for support. He knew he was right about this. He glanced at the store manager, who stood silently with crossed arms. Chief Tony’s expression was a mix of anger and frustration. Petite little Samantha, of course, looked like she wanted to kill Bud. Gorsy, however, gave him an encouraging thumbs-up.

Frustrated and determined to prove his theory, Bud doubled down. “It must be in her bra!” he declared.

“Hey!” Samantha shouted, squirming as Bud grabbed her breasts with both hands. “Don’t even think about it, pal!” she spat, her body tensing under his grasp.

Bud yanked her bra off with a swift motion. “Eeeeee!” Samantha squealed. She was so shocked she didn’t think to cover herself. Her breasts, round and full, hung heavily. The cool air caused them to swell slightly, nipples standing erect and hard. As she moved, they bounced with a natural, rhythmic sway, catching the eyes of everyone around.

Gorsy’s eyes widened, and he let out an appreciative whistle.

“But there’s one last place to check!” Bud declared, his voice full of conviction.

It happened so quickly that Samantha could only blink in stunned silence. One moment, she fought to maintain her dignity; the next, she stood in the office, panties on the floor, stripped bare.

Samantha’s cheeks burned with humiliation, her body trembling. Her eyes darted around the room, catching the slack jaws and wide eyes of the men as they took in the sight of her fully exposed form. Samantha bit her lip and combed a loose strand of hair out of her face, ashamed and angry. Never in her life did she expect to be nude and on display, every inch of her body laid bare for these strangers.

She stood there, the intense male gaze sweeping over her skin. Their eyes roamed her curves, lingering on her breasts and hips, groping her with their hungry stares. The weight of their attention pressed down on her, making her feel smaller, yet she couldn’t bring herself to move or speak. The humiliation was overwhelming.

Chief Tony’s jaw dropped. “Bud! Have you lost your mind?”

The store manager gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “This is outrageous! How could you do this?”

Gorsy, still clueless, blurted out, “Well, nothing’s hiding in there, that’s for sure.”

Samantha’s eyes wandered, avoiding eye contact with anyone, her voice trembling with disbelief. “I can’t believe this is happening. I started a new job… I tried to be nice to this idiot… and now… now this?”

Chief Tony stepped forward, his expression a mix of anger and regret. “Samantha, I am so sorry for this. Bud and Gorsy will face severe consequences for their actions.”

Samantha, gathering what little dignity she had left, took a deep breath. “I quit!”

She turned and stormed off, her naked body a defiant blur as she fled the office, humiliation trailing behind her like a shadow. The reality of the situation hit Bud hard as he watched her retreating form. The enormity of his mistake settled in, a heavy weight in his gut.

Bud turned to Gorsy. “Sorry for messing up your date.”

Gorsy shrugged. “She was too bossy anyway.”

Chief Tony shook his head, disappointed and embarrassed. “This is going to require so much paperwork.”