I woke up drenched in sweat. Glancing around, the room looked familiar. I was lying in bed and… oh right, it was my bed. Somehow I had gotten home.
I remembered that I had just had a nightmare, but could not remember anything about it. Someone was chasing me… or… I was chasing someone? It didn’t make sense, but whatever it was, my throat hurt, as if I had been screaming.
The last thing I remembered was at the mall with my mom. I was in the dressing room and… Oh shit! I pulled back the cover and felt a huge sigh of relief. At least that part of the nightmare was over. Someone had dressed me when I was asleep. I was wearing my pajamas. No bra, but at least whomever it was that dressed me managed to put a pair of panties on me.
The door opened. “Annie, I heard you scream. Are you alright?” My mom asked. She looked really worried.
I nodded. “I’m okay.” I gasped.
She was at the bedside immediately. She had left a glass of water on the nightstand and handed it to me. After taking a few sips, I managed, “What happened?”
“Annie, it was my fault. I’m so sorry.” She started.
“What?” I asked again.
“When I was swapping out the last outfit, I didn’t realized I grabbed your clothes as well. When I got to the register to pay, I saw them, but…” she trailed off with a very worried look.
“But what?” I pressed.
“After I finished paying, I was going to go back and let you get dressed. But you weren’t in the dressing room anymore.” She said.
“I wasn’t?” I asked, this news shocked me.
“Of course, it wasn’t too hard to find you. A teenage girl wandering around the mall naked makes quite a commotion.” She said. “It’s just that when I finally caught up to you, you didn’t recognize me. Or maybe you did, but were afraid of me. You started running. Annie, I had to chase you over half way through the mall. The security guard that finally stopped you thought I was abducting you or something.”
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed.
“Your dad had to be called at work, he was giving a lecture at the time, so we both had to sit there for a while, and you refused to let me dress you.”
“Mom…” I felt bad for her. She must have been humiliated! “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too, honey. Your dad and I eventually managed to get your shirt on, at least. When we got you home, you came upstairs and went to bed. I finished dressing you once you were asleep. Annie, I was so worried for you.” She was sobbing at this point. So was I.
“Mom, I’m okay now. Thank you for taking care of me.” I managed to get out though my tears.
“Can I ask… what happened to your underwear?” My mom asked cautiously.
“I was wearing my bathing suit under my clothes.” I told her. She sorta knew that, and gave a questioning nod. “Dr. Crowe told me the bathing suit was helping me from being vulnerable, so… She took it.”
She accepted that explanation without question. “So now you don’t wear underwear?” Asked my mom.
“I do! Yes, I will wear underwear from now on. Just not the bathing suit.” I told her.
She gave a relieved nod. “So, we have something else to discuss.” She said slowly.
I listened.
“Your dad has been given an offer for a professorship at Syracuse University.” She said. He has been working as an associate professor for as long as I could remember. This was a huge promotion for him.
“Syracuse? Does that mean we are moving to Pennsylvania?” I blurted out in a tone that sounded angrier than I meant it to.
“New York, and you should know that.” She said flatly.
I shook my head, “New York? I can’t move to New York.” I just started making progress in therapy. Then I had this episode. Now they want me to start over? I can’t do that!
“Honey, is this about your friends?” She asked. “You’ll make new ones there. A fresh start might be just what you need to put this behind you.”
Friends? What friends? Since the pictures of me running around the city naked kept popping up at my school, the girls all treated me like I was riddled with STDs and the boys, well, Craig had kept them away from me, but he was gone now… I had no friends and was terrified about the prospect of going back to that school. On the other hand, Dr. Crowe promised to help me get past that. The worst part of all was that I believed her!
I didn’t say anything though. So my mom added this. “One more question: Who is Sophie?” She asked.
That brought me back to reality. “Sophie?” I asked cautiously.
“You kept repeating the entire time, ‘Sophie is a good girl.’ Who is she?”
Instead of answering, I lowered my head a bit and said, “Mom, you are kinda overloading me with information. Can I get some time to process all of this?”
She agreed and left me alone. I looked outside. The sun was still up. I checked the clock on my phone and saw that it was only 5:30 PM. It was still Tuesday. I stayed in bed until dinner. Then I went back to bed without saying a word. I needed to talk to Dr. Crowe, but I wouldn’t be able to see her for two more days. I was worried about everything all of the sudden.
I didn’t get much sleep after that. Tuesday and Wednesday, I night kept waking up from nightmares. Sometimes, I was being chased by Sophie. Other times, I was naked in the mall.
The worst was one where I… I mean Sophie, but it was me… it’s hard to explain. Sophie was chasing Annie… I mean me. I was Sophie chasing Annie who was me. I, Sophie, needed to tell Annie, me, something very important. I can almost remember it, but when I woke up, whatever the message was faded first.
When my mom dropped me off at Dr. Crowe’s office, I was exhausted. Fortunately, I had my morning routine down to something I could do without thinking too hard about. I pulled up the list of patients for the day. For each patient, I pulled out their chart and attached a sign in sheet for them. The charts were set in a vertical file tray. When patients came in, they signed a blank sticker that was on a clipboard on the desk, so my only job after this first bit was to attach the signed sticker to their sign-in sheet before handing it to Dr. Crowe.
I brought a book to read, but after a few minutes, it was making me drowsy. Instead, I just sat at the desk playing games on my phone. I ended up drinking 3 bottles of water to help me stay awake. By the time we locked the office door for lunch, I really had to pee. First, I needed to ask Dr. Crowe.
“How are you feeling today?” asked Dr. Crowe.
“Actually, I need to run to the bathroom first.” I told her.
“No problem, we can talk when you get back.” She said.
“Can I have my bathing suit back?” I asked. “After Tuesday, I really need it.”
“Why? What happened Tuesday?” She asked calmly.
“I… uh, had a blackout.” I confessed.
Dr. Crowe wanted more details, so I quickly told her the basics about how my mom accidentally took my clothes, and when I looked at the mirror everything turned black.
“You don’t remember anything?” She asked.
“No, even after my mom told me what happened, I don’t remember anything.” I said.
“What did she say?” asked she.
“She said I was wandering around the mall. When she found me, I ran away. She almost got arrested for it, and my dad had to come pick us up.” I said, barely holding in my tears.
“So, when you close your eyes, everything is fine, but if you see yourself then you black out?” Dr. Crowe asked.
I nodded.
“Has this happened before?” She pressed.
“Yes. At school, some pictures of me surfaced of the day I went… you know. Some naked pictures started spreading around school. When I saw them, I sort of freaked out. A LOT! My mom had to pick me up and I was off school for a day or so.”
“Just once?”
I shook my head. “Four times. Each time, Craig and his friends would hunt down everyone who had a copy and make them delete it. When I returned to school, the photos were all gone.”
“This is very interesting. I don’t think I have ever heard of someone who had episodes of dissociative amnesia from the site of their own reflection. Annie, do you mind if I start recording our sessions? I’d like to document your condition better.” She asked.
“Record? Not video.” I said.
“No, no… that shouldn’t be necessary right now. Just audio. Do you mind?”
“I suppose it should be okay. So, can I have my bathing suit back? I’d feel a lot better for today if I had it.” I insisted.
Dr. Crowe pressed her lips together. I’d seen her do that before when she was considering something. I watched her pull out a small tape recorder and press the button to start recording.
“Let’s start with an experiment.” She suggested.
“What sort of experiment?” I asked. I didn’t like where this was going.
“So, you say that as long as you don’t see yourself; being naked doesn’t bother you. Correct?”
“I mean… not really. It used to bother me so much, but since the… incident, I guess that part isn’t really an issue. But if I see it, something bad happens.”
“I understand. Let’s try this.” Dr. Crowe pulled out my bathing suit and set it on the table in front of her. She then pulled out a black silk scarf and folded it. She tied it around my eyes into a blindfold. “Can you see anything?”
I shook my head.
“Can you please speak for the recorder?” She asked.
Realizing how silly I looked, shaking my head at a tape recorder, I said, “No. I mean yes. I mean, ‘yes I can speak’ and ‘no I can’t see anything’.” I really was getting scatterbrained.
“Go ahead and get undressed.” She instructed.
Taking a deep breath, I kicked off my shoes and lowered my pants. I slowly removed my pants one leg at a time. I had forgotten exactly where the chair was, so I just did everything standing. I folded the pants and handed them to her. Next I unbuttoned my shirt and remove it before handing it over as well.
“Is this okay?” I asked.
“Sure, Annie. Now the rest.” She said.
“Socks too?” I asked.
“You can leave the socks on for now” She told me.
I removed my bra and handed it over. Next I removed my panties and passed that too her as well.
After she had taken all of my clothes, I reached out expecting her to hand me my bathing suit. Instead, she asked, “How do you feel?”
“Like I have to pee really bad… Can I have my bathing suit back, please?” I asked.
“Not just yet.” Dr. Crowe said softly.
“But you said…” I insisted. “I really need to pee, Dr. Crowe!”
“Okay, I’ll take you.” She said smoothly. I heard her chair creek as she stood. Then I felt her take my hand and start leading me across the room toward the door.
I stopped and she lost her grip. “People will see me!” I exclaimed.
“You said it doesn’t bother you, right?” She asked.
“It um… well it doesn’t, but won’t we get into trouble?” She asked.
“No, you are my patient. I get a lot of leeway for that. Nobody will stop us, and if they try, I can promise you that you won’t be in any trouble.” She said. “Ready?”
I really, really needed to pee. Extending my hand, I let her lead me; first into the lobby of her office, and then out the door into the hallway.