Mom Katie called son Jason into the living room hi mom whats up well i found your journal while i was cleaning your room i notice one entry wrote you want to be a nudist at home and i thought why not let you be your true self so i found out that lifestyle federation center is having registration today at the the book store in town why don’t i take you down and let you register under a new lifestyle that is protected by the federal law. Mom and son Jason got into her ford truck and drove down to the book store and pulled into the parking lot and put the truck into the park. they got out of the truck and walked into the book store and were greeted by lifestyle rep Julie hi are you here to register today Jason said yes it is one of my bucket list items well then you came to the right place. we have a booth over by water fountain and just walked in and select the lifestyle that you want and fill out all legal information and then choose color border for your id card and then hit done computer will do the rest. Jason walked over to the booth and walked in and looked over all lifestyle options and choose lifetime nudist lifestyle then fill out the name Jason Morgan Age 20. Born March 1997. choose yellow border for his id card and hit done and screen went black and card printed out and lamented picked up the card and walked out of the booth.
3 after lunch Jason went to his bedroom and started emptying his closet and his drawers of clothing till nothing but empty hangers were left walked down to the kitchen open the drawer and got huge black trash bag and return to his bedroom and put all his clothes into the bag and walked back down and out the backdoor to there huge trash bin and walked back into the house and went and check his emails on his lab-top. responded to his new e-mail and deleted old e-mail and spam and then his registration appeared on face Book feed and he smiled in happiness.
Part 2 then Jason Ask mom would you like to strip me of the last clothes i will ever wear in my life. Mom said it would be my honor she walked over and stripped off his shirt and then removed his shorts and undies in one move. mom picked up his clothes and placed them into the donation box by the front door. mom asked Jason how it feels to be naked in public for the first time Jason responded felt really free and comfortable. Julie the rep said since your now register you are allowed to be naked anywhere you want and you can’t be arrested for indecent exposure because the anti nudity laws no longer apply to you. mom said today is his birthday happy birthday Jason said Julie. thanks said Jason and they walked out of the book store into the warm summer day. they walked to the truck and got in and put on there seat belts and headed home. mom said lets pick up hamburgers and fries from sonic on the way home i am getting hungry sounds good. after picking up lunch they drover home and walked into the house sat down at table together and eat there hamburgers and fries and sip on the cokes and were just relaxing.
This is awful.
Don’t be a dick in the comments. They are putting their thoughts to paper. Just need to convey it better is all.
Constructive criticism is best.
The wall of text could be fixed with a little editing. Smaller paragraphs are easier to read. Use quotes for dialog.
We seem to jump back and forth between their home and the registration place. Either rearrange or explain.
Details that don’t add to the story could be edited out or used to immerse us in the experience. For example, consider removing fastening the seat belt, or use it to tell how it feels different. Thoughts and feelings are important. How does he feel when people look at him? When stepping up into the truck, does the first time free swinging distract him?
Thank you for the reminder about how important a proper… or at least a somewhat functual punctuation actually is.
This is the beginning of a story. Before it is posted here you should open out the text into paragraphs of related ideas and experiences. These should be put into the time order that they are or did happen. The sentences should begin with Capital letters. Words that are spoken should begin a new paragraph and be in quotes.”Hello!” he said,along with who is speaking. If you look at other stories you will see this structure. Keep at it.
With respect, this is more like what we are used to: I find that I needed double Return/Enter to make new paragraphs. That is what might have happened.
Katie called her son, Jason, into the living room.
“Hi mom whats up?”
“Well I found your journal while I was cleaning your room and I noticed one entry you wrote that you want to be a nudist at home and I thought why not let you be your true self. So I found out that the Federal Lifestyle center is having registration today at the the book store in town. Why don’t I take you down and let you register under a new lifestyle. One that is protected by federal law.”
Mom and Jason got into her Ford truck and drove down to the book store and pulled into the parking lot. They got out of the truck and walked into the book store and were greeted by lifestyle rep, Julie.
“Hi. Are you here to register today?”
Jason said, “Yes, it is one of my bucket list items.”
“Well then you came to the right place. We have a booth over by the water fountain. Just walk in and select the lifestyle that you want and fill out all legal information and then choose color border for your id card and then hit done computer will do the rest.”
Jason walked over to the booth and walked in and looked over all lifestyle options and chose lifetime nudist lifestyle then filled out the name Jason Morgan Age 20. Born March 1997. Chose yellow border for his id card and hit done and screen went black and card printed out and laminated. He picked up the card and walked out of the booth.
This is what I really like to see. Thanks for the writer support FlaGuy. We can all appreciate that it takes guts to make a post, especially when we are just starting out.
I wonder if this is done on purpose, like some kind of “stream of consciousness” writing technique. Although that’s usually written in a first-person point of view.
Doubtful. Likely, just someone that was happy to share some thoughts. Someone not embarrassed about a lack of skill in english. Someone that wanted to participate with the board. They might be almost 40 years old, and handicap, english is a second language, or just never had a job that requires writing or reading. Someone that likes jazz. I like jazz too. It’s fine, we are always happy to see someone brave enough to post on the board. Thank you jazz1985.
I wasn’t criticizing. I was just speculating that it might be some kind of writing experiment.